When confronted with the unexpected or unpleasant, how do we respond? It is normal to feel frustration, anger, fear, and sadness. But when we have psychological flexibility, we can better respond to life and its surprises.

Psychological Inflexibility

When unpleasant changes happen in our lives, we may fall back on certain familiar behaviors or ways of thinking. This inflexibility happens because it can offer a brief feeling of relief. However, when we look closely, we find that it does not eliminate the unpleasant feelings and thoughts that came with the experience. In the end, psychological inflexibility only gives us more suffering that lasts longer.

When psychological inflexibility is present: 

• It gets harder to see the whole picture. We start to narrow our focus and attention to unpleasant feelings, ways of thinking, past events, or future worries.

• We may want to close ourselves off or avoid things.

• We may have overwhelming anxieties about the future or find ourselves thinking over and over about events in the past that we cannot change.

• We might give in to strong feelings like anger or anxiety and act in ways that we wouldn’t otherwise. We may act or speak before thinking about it and then really struggle with the outcomes and feelings of regret, guilt, or shame.

• We can lose contact with this moment. The present is the only place where we can make decisions and take action toward the kind of life we want to live.

• All-or nothing perspectives can take over, so we miss out on choices and opportunities because we can’t see them.

• It becomes harder to respond to things as they happen. We may get locked into indecision or become “stuck.”

• We may over-identify with stories we tell ourselves, such as “I am a bad person” or “I am bipolar.” It can become hard to see that there is more to this, and more to us, than what we tell ourselves.

• Clarity about what is most important can be lost. We can lose touch with our personal values in an effort to get rid of an unwanted experience.

• We may lose touch with what we are feeling, thinking, or experiencing. We can start to “miss out” on life. Difficulties with intimacy and connection can develop.

• Self-care and compassion for ourselves may be neglected and can negatively impact our physical and emotional health.

Psychological flexibility helps protect and can improve our mental health. It acts as a buffer when stress arises and lets us see more choices in dealing with life’s challenges. We can even learn how to use obstacles as stepping stones on the path toward a happier, healthier life.

Just like gymnasts have to practice their skills to be agile and flexible, it is the same for learning the skills needed for psychological flexibility. Skills that support psychological flexibility include:

• Being open and curious about your experience right now.

• Accepting the feelings and thoughts that come with the present-moment experience, but also knowing you don’t have to buy into them or let them run the show.

• Being able to step back a little from the feelings and thoughts that come up so that you can see the whole picture.

• Being in touch with what is most important to you in life.

• Being able to adjust your attention and focus. Seeing more than just all-or-nothing or singular choices.

• Be able to look at things from different perspectives.

• Being able to take action in line with what is important to you, even if things get tough.

Developing psychological flexibility does take some time and practice. A therapist can help you to build these skills. Psychological flexibility is a central part of Acceptance and Commitment therapy. Other therapies, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, can also help to reduce psychological inflexibility.